


Battle of the Broken Psyche

by tommygirl



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Captain America Reverse Big Bang 2017, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-16
Updated: 2017-06-16
Packaged: 2018-11-15 00:35:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11219550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tommygirl/pseuds/tommygirl
Summary: Sam was reaching his limits with what he was expected to handle and Steve Rogers wasn't making things easier on him.  (Also known as Sam loves Steve, but that just seems like a really bad idea)





	Battle of the Broken Psyche

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mific](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mific/gifts).
  * Inspired by [The Temptation of Sam Wilson](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11166729) by [mific](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mific/pseuds/mific). 



> Such wonderful art was created and I hope this story does it justice. First experience with this challenge and it was definitely that (in all the ways I needed). I appreciate all mific's work on this collaboration and much love to Lara for the beta work, which involved a lot of hand-holding and the reminders to stick with my own writing voice. Hopefully no Sam Wilson or Steve Rogers were broken because of this piece.

Sam trudged off the elevator toward the communal area with one sole focus - getting food. He hoped that Clint hadn’t eaten all of the cereal because it would just be one more thing on his list.  It had been a rough couple of weeks.  They had lost civilians recently, which always left him wondering why he was doing this job.  He was feeling battered and bruised and he hadn’t been sleeping well the past few nights, but last night had been the worst of them.  His dreams had left Sam feeling slightly rattled.  The dream started out really good, but always ended up with him all sorts of messed up, forced to confront things he really didn’t want to. 

It wasn’t the healthiest way to live, but he was currently wishing his broken psyche would stop trying to deal with things.

Sam rubbed at his eyes and yawned as he wandered into the main living area on his way to the kitchen.  There didn’t appear to be anyone around this early, so his goal was to get in and get out.  Grab his cereal, head back to his place, and maybe sneak off to the park for a bit.   Make some phone calls, catch up with people, and figure out what exactly he was doing.  There had been a lot of Avenging lately and, while he believed in the work he was doing, it was tiring. 

Being around Steve was especially tiring lately.

Sam had hoped that with Bucky’s return and the team put back together, Steve would’ve calmed down and stopped acting so careless with his wellbeing in the field.  It was a constant fight, ending with Steve giving Sam a placating smile and Sam walking off because there was nothing else to do about.  He didn’t know how to make Steve understand the way Sam felt whenever he saw Steve take a ridiculous risk for no reason.  He couldn’t explain it without sharing things he never planned to reveal.

Sam figured that was why it was coming to a head for him lately.  Sam kept thinking that maybe more time with Bucky would help Steve, so Sam had pulled away a lot more recently, trying to give them space.  But it didn’t seem to be working.  Steve was still Steve, throwing himself on top of bombs and allowing buildings to crash down on his head, and Sam wasn’t sure how much more of it he could take.

The logical part of his brain kept telling him that he and Steve would likely need to have it out, but at the moment, Sam just wanted to hightail it out of there as fast as he could.  His feelings for Steve weren’t anything new – he just needed to get a grip on them again.  Sam had been a fan of Captain America for a long time and when he met Steve that first morning on his run, it had grown into infatuation and eventually something more.   Sam admired the way Steve was always willing to do what was right, no matter what it cost him, and he appreciated that Steve never took himself too seriously, always the first to make a joke about himself.  Captain America was a legend, but Steve Rogers was funny and kind and a complete pain in the ass, who liked to play up the grandpa routine to keep people from delving too deep.

It really wasn’t Sam’s fault that he had fallen in love with Steve, when the man made it damn near impossible, and Sam had long ago made peace with the fact those _more-than_ feelings would likely never be reciprocated.  Sam had decided a long time ago that his friendship with Steve was worth more to him than whatever else might have been.  Romantic love could be fleeting, but his friendship with Steve mattered to him.

Except the feelings were not only still there, but had continued to grow and didn’t seem to be going away despite every list Sam made in his head about what a stupid cliche he had become.  It gnawed at him as he had stared at the ceiling that morning.  There was a pit in his stomach and his chest felt like it had an elephant sitting on it, while a feeling of dread washed over him at the thought of facing another day in the Tower pretending everything was okay. 

It probably didn’t help that his social life was pretty much nonexistent these days.   He had started to lose touch with most of his friends in DC and he was feeling antsy, lonely, and confused in a way he hadn’t since he first returned from Afghanistan.  Sam was beginning to think it might not be a bad idea to take some time away from this world and Steve Rogers.

Some time and space to put those feelings back in the box where they belonged with a firm lid keeping it shut, shoved into the attic never to be heard from again.

Sam turned the corner and pulled his phone out of his pocket with the plan to shoot off a text to his sister.  He was ready to put his plan into motion; only to stop in his tracks when he noticed Steve sitting at the table shoveling cereal into his mouth while he read the paper.  Sam watched him for a moment, taking in the sweats and too tight tee-shirt that showed off every muscle, and he felt a slight ache in his chest.

Sam had been the one to put some distance between him and Steve.  He was the one who had stopped joining him for runs (telling him to take Bucky) or going to see movies with him (telling him to take Bucky).  Most of their interactions were with other team members around and even that had been really limited recently.  Truth was, Sam hadn’t seen much of Steve outside of assembling.  Steve had his hands full and Sam didn’t want to add to the load he was carrying.  He wished there was more he could do to help, but the offer seemed to always send Steve running off in the opposite direction, and left Sam feeling impotent and frustrated.

Sam had learned a long time ago that there was only so much he could do, even if he hated watching on the sidelines, but it had never been so damn hard to accept until he met Steve.  Sam wasn’t sure what it was about Steve Rogers that made Sam forget every lesson he had learned and simply follow the man wherever he went, but it was practically ingrained into him at this point.

And it had hurt not to have his friend around recently…but he was also feeling so angry and annoyed with the man that he didn’t know what to do. 

Fleeing had seemed like a perfectly reasonable option, so of course Steve was there looking amazing and shooting Sam a smile that nearly bowled him over.  

“Hi Sam.  Funny meeting you here,” Steve said, glancing at Sam from over his copy of the New York Times.

Sam stepped over to him, picked up the cereal box on the table only to find it empty and grumbled, “Hate you super soldiers.  Always eating all the food.”

Steve dropped the paper and gave him a shit-eating grin.  “Oh, was that yours?”

“You _know_ it’s mine.”

“You usually don’t mind sharing,” Steve said, shoveling another bite into his mouth.

Sam glared at him and said, “Sharing would mean that I got some too.”

Steve gave Sam a look that was almost pornographic as he took another bite and groaned around it.  He said, “I needed a second serving.  My bad.”

“I really hate you sometimes.  I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from thinking ‘that Captain America is a good guy.  I should follow him.’”

“Kinda stupid on your part,” Steve replied.  He motioned behind him and said, “I picked up bagels from that place you love after my run.  There’s coffee too.  Consider it a peace offering.”

Sam’s stomach betrayed him by growling and Steve chuckled.  Sam said, “Thanks.  I’m starving.”  He grabbed the bag from the counter and brought it back over to the table and sat down across from Steve, who had gone back to reading the paper. 

Sam went to work on cutting up a bagel and loading it up with cream cheese.  They sat in companionable silence as they both finished eating and Sam realized how much he had missed these moments lately.  Sam had been staying at the Tower while Steve was living in Brooklyn with Bucky.  Sam had expected as much – knew from nearly day one of his friendship with Steve that Bucky Barnes would always be the priority – but it had been harder to deal with than he had expected.  After so long of living out of each other’s pockets, it was strange to no longer have it. 

And it was hitting him full force at the moment.  It was like the room was getting smaller and everything about Steve was overtaking the place.  Sam was reminded of how much he missed being around Steve and the easy way they had always gotten along.  Since day one, the two of them had always been able to just be themselves around each other without any pretense or awkwardness.  It was something Sam had always cherished, but in that second, it was suffocating.

“ _This is what you wanted.  You did this to yourself.  You should’ve just talked to him_ ,” a voice in his head chided.

Stupid dreams. 

Stupid heart that was stuck on a guy who could never give Sam what he wanted. 

Stupid world.

It was gonna be one of those days.

Sam finished off the last bite of his bagel and busied himself with cleaning up the crumbs while he shot sideways glances at Steve.  Sam had hoped that a little bit of distance would actually make things easier for him.  It would be easier to conceal the feelings he felt for Steve without him around constantly and maybe space was just what Sam needed.  He had told himself that room to breathe would make him forget that he was completely in love with Steve Rogers.

Sam’s momma used to tell him that Sam always wanted to take on the impossible and Steve was the perfect example of that.  Sometimes Sam hated how right about him his mother was.

“You okay?”

Sam looked up to see Steve watching him with a curious expression on his face.  Sam said, “Tired.  Not sleeping well.”

“You want to talk about it?”

“I’m sure you’ve got more important shit to do than listen to me talk about _my dreams_ ,” Sam commented.

Steve put down the paper and his eyes traveled over Sam carefully.  He replied, “If it’s bothering you, it’s important.”  Steve pulled his chair in closer, pushing his bowl and the empty cereal box aside, and his hand came to rest on the table precariously close to Sam’s.  He went on, “I’d like to help you if I can.”

“Don’t think you can,” Sam replied.  He noticed a flicker of hurt on Steve’s face and he added, “It’s nothing, man, and you’ve got your hands full with the demon spawn.”

Steve snorted and said, “You two go at it all the time, but I know you secretly love each other.”

“What makes you think that?”

Steve shrugged and said, “I just do.”

Sam rolled his eyes, but felt compelled to ask, “How’s he doing?”

Steve was quiet for a moment as he studied Sam like he was a mystery that needed to be solved before replying, “He has good days and bad days.  Sometimes I don’t know how to help him and I hate it.”

“I get it, but you know as well as I do that sometimes there isn’t anything that you can do.  Just be there for him,” Sam replied. 

“I think I’m smothering him a bit.”

“Probably are,” Sam said with a sympathetic smile.  He pulled another bagel out of the bag and ripped it in half, tossing part of it to Steve, who easily snatched it out of the air.  Sam asked, “That why you’re gracing us with your presence today?”

“That and I missed you…” Steve replied.  Sam turned his head to get a look at Steve.  Anyone else and Sam would’ve been sure that he was being messed with, that his feelings were obvious and Steve was poking fun at him…but that wasn’t Steve.  Steve was all earnestness and sincerity, even when he was being a pain in the ass.  Steve ducked his head, pulling little pieces off the bagel and letting them fall onto the table top, and added, “…I know I haven’t been a great friend to you recently.  I’m sorry about that.”

“It’s cool,” Sam said, trying to keep his voice casual.  He took a bite of the bagel and tried to think about what he should say.  He knew he was being stupid.  He was still reeling from his dreams.  The dreams started out great – him and Steve kissing, enjoying time together – only to give way to darkness and him being surrounded with douchey versions of himself, hollering at him to get his act together. 

He blamed Natasha for this mess.  Last night she had told Sam to get his act together and make a move already.  Sam tried to play dumb, but ended up just begging her to assure him that Steve didn’t know, to which she rolled her eyes and said, “He’s probably the only one who doesn’t.”  And that wasn’t at all comforting to think about – that his feelings were so obvious to the world – and he really needed to find a way to rein it in.

Except Steve was there looking up at him through thick lashes with that dopey, excited look he sometimes got when they were able to cross some of the pop culture things off his lists, and Sam wanted to close the distance between them and kiss him.  

A myriad of emotions were warring inside Sam as he admitted to himself how much he had missed Steve.  Sam hated himself for missing him so much, especially since there was no real reason for it, but he also wanted to bolt for the door and never look back.

Sam was being stupid.   As much as he missed Steve and enjoyed hearing that Steve missed him too, he had made these choices consciously for a reason recently.  Sam knew that he needed more distance, not less.

“It’s not cool, Sam.  You’ve been there for me since day one and I was reminded recently that I can get pretty fixated on one thing and forget everything else.”

“So you got a friendly reminder, huh?”

“From a few people.”

“Steve,” Sam replied.  Steve looked at him expectantly, but Sam had nothing else to say.  Nothing that he was willing to actually share anyway.  He momentarily thought about laying it all on the table – telling Steve exactly how he felt and all that entailed – but he wasn’t in the mood to watch his best friend go running for the hills.   Sam let out a slow, deliberate breath and before he could stop himself, he offered, “I was thinking about going for a walk in the park, maybe seeing a movie.  You want to join me?”

“Not sure the last time you and I actually watched a movie,” Steve replied with a grin.  “I’m in.”

“If Bucky’s expecting-“

“-he’s fine.  We’re not attached at the hip,” Steve replied.

Sam choked back the “coulda fooled me” that wanted to slip out of his mouth.  He chewed on another bite of his bagel and tried to shake off the malaise that had settled into his bones.  His mind flashed back to the dream, a version of him, watching him with Steve and mocking him the whole time.

It was like Sam couldn’t help himself sometimes.

**

Steve clutched his stomach and bent over, holding onto Sam’s shoulder as he laughed hysterically.  Sam swatted his hand away and said, “It’s not funny.”

“Your face when it…” Steve’s voice trailed off as he giggled.  

“You’re a grown ass man and you’re giggling at me like some school girl,” Sam replied, not even trying to hide the irritation he was feeling.  He wiped his hand against his shirt and said, “This is gross.”  Steve covered his mouth with his hand, like Sam didn’t know the bastard still found the whole thing hilarious.  Sam said, “Nice to see my pain amuses you.” 

“Isn’t it supposed to be a sign of good luck?”

Sam glowered at him and said, “You know what’s a sign of good luck?  Not getting shit on by a bird.”

“You are the Falcon.  Maybe it thought you’d understand,” Steve said, making himself bust out with a loud guffaw. 

Sam crossed his arms and said, “Really?  That’s the best you got?”

“I can run it by Tony.  I’m sure he’d have a million of them.”

“I swear to God, Steve, anyone else finds out about this and you will rue the day.  It will be epic and awful and I’ll laugh at your pain.”

Steve arched an eyebrow and said, “I’m not the one you have to worry about.  Pretty sure Tony’s cameras probably-“

“- _Laugh at your pain_ ,” Sam repeated, suddenly wondering how hard it could be to hack into the building’s security system because he really didn’t want anyone noticing him getting nearly taken out by a bird.

All thought rushed out of Sam’s head though when Steve’s fingers were suddenly brushing along the side of Sam’s head and ear.  Sam was about to holler at him, step away and talk about boundaries, when Steve followed it up by pulling a napkin out of his jacket pocket and running it along Sam’s neck and shoulder.  Sam stiffened, unsure how to react, forcing himself to remember how to breathe, as Steve ran his thumb over the tendons and said, “I think I got it all.”

Sam shut his eyes for a second and tried to get his thoughts in order.  It wasn’t like he and Steve never touched, but everything had felt so different today.  And he wasn’t sure it was because of just him either.  Sometimes Sam would catch Steve with that look of concentration on his face, like he was working out a problem in his head, followed up with sideways glances at Sam when he thought Sam wasn’t looking.

It was further proof that they were completely out of synch these days. 

Steve wadded up the napkin and tossed it into a trash receptacle.  He smiled at Sam and said, “Not even gonna leave a mark.”

“Not a physical one, but I think it broke my will to live.”

Steve snorted and said, “You’re the strongest man I know.  I refuse to accept a bird could break you.”

Sam felt his cheeks heat up and he ducked his head.  He replied, “I’m taking a long shower and blocking it from my memory.   You’re a goddamn jinx, Cap.  I’ve gone my whole life without getting attacked by a bird and one day out in a park with you and I’ve got a bulls-eye on my back.”

“Your shoulder actually.  It got on the side of your head when you started jumping around and squealing.”

“Keep pushing your luck, Jinx,” Sam said, sliding his key card into the doorway that led to the private elevators in the Tower.

“Why don’t you shower and I’ll scrounge us up some food?  Then we can watch a movie here.”

“What movie are we watching?” Clint asked, jumping down from the vent.

Steve shook his head and said, “Tony’s gonna kill you.”

“He dares me to try to get past his security, so I do.  It’s our way of bonding, Cap,” Clint replied. 

“If you say so,” Steve replied.  He glanced at Sam and said, “You want to head up and I’ll grab the food?”

“Yeah, sure.  You gonna join us, Clint?” Sam responded.  He didn’t know what to make of the head nod that Clint sent Steve or the looks the two of them were exchanging.  Normally, he’d probably question it, but at the moment, he didn’t have the energy.  He sighed and asked, “That a yes or a no?”

Clint shot a look at Steve as though he was expecting Steve to say something and finally said, “Can’t.  Promised Wanda I’d work on her shooting with her.”

“Okay then.  Have fun,” Sam said.  He noticed Steve step closer to Clint conspiratorially and Sam pointed to the elevator, “I’m heading up.”

Steve nodded and Clint offered Sam a strange smile.  Sam shook his head and decided it was best to ignore it.  He had made the determination awhile ago that it was in his best interests to hang up his therapy cap when dealing with this bunch, otherwise he’d make himself insane.  It didn’t always work, but he was definitely not in the mood to deal with it at the moment.

Sam nearly jumped three feet in the air when he hit the button for his floor and Natasha appeared behind him.  He asked, “How do you do that?”

“I’m a spy, Wilson.”

“Right.  Sure.  I hate you by the way,” Sam said.  He turned to face her and took in her amused expression.  He replied, “I’ve been acting like an idiot around Steve all day and it’s your fault.”

“I’m not the one in love with him.”

“I’m not in love with him,” Sam replied, to which he was greeted with the same unimpressed look he had gotten from her last night.  He rubbed his brow and said, “Okay.  There might be feelings.  Unwanted, unreturned feelings that have gotten out of hand, but I was dealing with it just fine.”

“You weren’t.  That’s why I brought it up.  You think I want to be involved in yours and Rogers demented romance?” Natasha replied.

“I think you’re secretly a romantic underneath that Black Widow Kevlar shell,” Sam commented, wincing slightly when Natasha shot him a dirty look.  Sam was man enough to admit that Natasha frightened him and he really didn’t want to end up on her bad side.  “Sorry.  I’m in a mood.”

“You’ve been in a mood for days.  I just wanted you to do something about it.”

“There’s nothing I can do.”

“Sam.”

Sam shrugged.  “There’s nothing to be done.  Not really, so all you did was start me over thinking everything and my brain went crazy while I was sleeping and now I’m turning into a lunatic.  I used to have moves.  I had game.”

Natasha laughed, which did nothing for Sam’s ego, but all he could do was shoot another dirty look her way.  She said, “You’re not the first person to fall prey to Steve’s aww-shucks routine.  I nearly swooned once.  He’s very handsome.”

“Shut up.”

“It’s good you’ve stopped avoiding him.  Steve was starting to look like someone kicked his puppy.”

“I wasn’t avoiding him.”

“You were too.”

Sam leaned back against the wall and glanced at the ceiling.  He said, “If I _was_ avoiding him, there were reasons for it.  And then Steve shows up and I forget every single one of those damn reasons.”

She shrugged and said, “He has that affect on people.”  She reached out and touched his arm before adding, “Some more than others.”

“A part of me just wants to go for it.  Lay it all out there, accept the consequences and move on with my life.  At least I’ll know I wasn’t a coward.”

“Sam,” she repeated in that tone of hers that was a mix of a little bit of fondness and a lot of exasperation.    “You have to tell him.”

“But Steve’s my friend, my best friend these days, and that friendship means something to me.  It’s not worth going down a road that will end badly, Nat.   I know everyone says they can be friends with a little bit of time, but once shit is out there, it’s out there.  We can’t come back from me dropping the love bomb and him having to politely decline it.  It’ll mess everything up.”

“Why are you so sure it will mess things up?  Did you ever think Steve might return your feelings?” Natasha replied.  She crossed her arms over her chest and asked, “What do you want, Sam?”

“I want this conversation to end.”

Natasha rolled her eyes and said, “You boys.  You’re all idiots.  Willing to throw life and limb on the line, but scared of talking about feelings.”  She stepped closer to him and waited until he met her gaze to go on, “Just do what’s right for you.”

“And you think that means telling him,” Sam said.

“I do, but it’s your call,” Natasha replied.

The doors to the elevator opened and Sam said, “Right now I want to get in the shower and clean up.  Beyond that, I’ve got no idea how to deal with anything right now.”

Sam stepped off the elevator and he half expected Natasha to follow him.  She leaned against the elevator door, holding the button to keep it from closing on her, and said, “You’ve been miserable lately and that needs to change.”

“Nat.”

She held up her other hand and said, “It can make you sloppy.  And sloppy will get one of us killed.  So figure it out.”  She stepped back onto the elevator and the doors closed.

Sam stared at the elevator for a minute and out of the corner of his eye, he could almost see that image of himself from his dream, wearing the snug black tee-shirt, sunglasses and smug expression on his face while he listed all the bad things he could do to Steve Rogers.  It reminded him of the way he and a few of his friends used to talk in high school, made him a little sick to think he was back to the mindset he had in puberty, and mentally cursed Steve and Nat and the world for his broken psyche.

The smug, douchey version of him wasn’t nearly as annoying as the version of himself that was dressed like he had stepped out of a Boyz II Men video and went on about true love conquering all and being honest with himself about what was going on.

Sam rubbed his hand over his face and headed for the shower, trying to think about anything except Steve Rogers and his feelings.

**

After the third time Sam caught Steve watching him, he dropped the bowl of popcorn and said, “Alright.  What’s going on?”

“What?”

“Don’t play dumb with me, Steve.  What’s up?  You’re staring at me like I’ve grown a second head,” Sam replied.  He immediately patted his shoulder. Considering their history, Sam felt it best to make sure he hadn’t actually been hit by radioactive bird crap earlier that had caused a mutation. He added, “Spill.”

“It’s been nice hanging out with you today.”

“Easy for you to say. I was the one assaulted by a pigeon,” Sam replied.  He met Steve’s gaze and added, “But I get it.  I’ve missed hanging out with you too.”

“It’s my fault.  Bucky’s kept me busy and I lost sight of some things.”

“Steve, it’s all good,” Sam said.   He figured this was as good an opening as he was gonna get and started to go over the spiel he had come up with in the shower.  He said, “Bucky needs you right now.  He’s your family.”

Steve smiled, his whole face brightening in a way that made him look even more handsome than he normally did.  He said, “Yeah, he is.  He’s doing so much better too.  I think being in Brooklyn has helped.”

“That’s great,” Sam replied.  Steve nodded and Sam continued, “Anyway, you’re busy and with Bucky helping out occasionally on the team now, I’ve been thinking I might take a break.”

“What?”

“Go visit my family.  Head back to DC for awhile.  Figure some stuff out.”

“Sam...” Steve said.  The tone of his voice made Sam’s head shoot up.  He wondered if he was just hearing what he wanted to, but Steve sounded upset by the prospect.  Steve forced a smile and went on, “…I get it.  I kinda dragged you into this world.”

“I made a choice, Steve, and I don’t regret it,” Sam responded, trying to make it clear that there was no room for argument on that topic.  Even now when Sam was feeling spent and confused and overwhelmed, he couldn’t imagine having made a different choice that day when Steve and Nat showed up at his doorstep.  He didn’t regret the easy camaraderie he and Steve shared or being able to fight for people who couldn’t. 

It was the right choice at the time.

But now Sam wasn’t so sure he could compartmentalize the way he needed to and Nat had been right earlier.  Sloppy would get someone killed and until Sam had a lid on these emotions again, he needed to step away.

“When would you plan to leave?”

“A few days.  I gotta make some calls,” Sam replied.  He noticed the sad expression on Steve’s face and slapped him on the chest.  He said, “C’mon, man.  I’m not dying and I’m still your friend.”

Steve nodded and said, “Yeah, I know, and I’m grateful for that.”

Sam could see Steve silently debating something – the way he usually did before he did something reckless and stupid in the field – and Sam was about to push him on it when the Avengers Assemble alarm started to blast through the Tower.  It was quickly followed but a loud ping on his phone and then Steve’s.

Steve hopped up, immediately in Captain mode, and Sam couldn’t do anything but follow him. 

**

“What the hell were you thinking?” Sam hollered, pulling himself up and out of the pool.  He was surprised there wasn’t a Sam-and-Steve shaped crater in the thing considering how hard they had impacted with the water.  Sam’s wings were fried and Stark was going to bitch at him for an hour about it…and it only infuriated him more when he glanced over to find Steve grinning from ear-to-ear like that had been a fun experience.

Sam had barely had time to think as he heard Steve call out for help before he saw Steve hurtling through the air.  Sam had seriously thought he might not get to Steve in time and Steve was acting like everything was fine.  It never changed with him.  Stupid, reckless idiot that was gonna leave the rest of them to bury his ass and carry on the fight.  Like he didn’t matter.  Like he suddenly bought into the hype.  Sam reached out and shoved Steve hard as he snapped, “You’re a maniac, Rogers.  You know that?”

Steve’s expression immediately twisted into one of concern and he held up his hands like Sam was a spooked horse.  He asked, “You okay?  You hurt?”

“No.  By some miracle, this pool managed to keep us from going splat into the pavement when I couldn’t pull us back up after you flung yourself off a building.”

“I’m sorry, Sam.”

Sam rolled his eyes and said, “Uh-huh.  Sure.”

Steve stepped closer and his hand rested on Sam’s shoulder.  Sam refused to meet Steve’s gaze because he knew the second he did, he would forgive him.  Sam had learned a long time ago that there wasn’t much he wouldn’t forgive Steve.  Sam had a momentary pang of worry about who would be there to pull him out of these jams if Sam left.  Sam could almost envision Steve flinging himself off a roof without anyone there to catch him.

“You can’t do this shit, Steve.   I’m not always gonna be there to catch you and even your serum can’t survive hitting the pavement like that,” Sam replied angrily as he shrugged Steve’s hand off of him.

Steve swallowed thickly and glanced off in the opposite direction, calling out orders into his communicator.  When he focused back on Sam, he said, “You okay to walk?”

“Well, you’re sure as shit not carrying me, Cap,” Sam grumbled, removing his wing pack from his back and shoving it at Steve.  He said, “You can carry that though.  And you get to explain to Stark why he has to replace my wings _again_.”

“You want a new pair of wings?” Steve asked, surprised.

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because you’re quitting.”

“I’m not quitting.  I’m taking a break.”

“Right.  Sure,” Steve replied, a bit of anger coming through as he squared his shoulders and shot Sam an annoyed look.

“You seemed fine with it earlier,” Sam replied with a shrug and he started to walk off.

Sam had only moved a few feet when Steve darted passed him and blocked his way.  Sam expected him to say something, but Steve just stared at him with a strange look on his face.  Sam motioned between them and asked, “Is this a problem?  Are you pissed?”

“Not pissed.”

“But it’s a problem?”

“I didn’t say that, Sam,” Steve replied carefully.

“We lying to each other now?”

Steve rolled his eyes and motioned to the sky.  He said, “Maybe now’s not the time to talk about this.”

“It never is,” Sam muttered, heading back toward the fighting. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Steve questioned, annoyance obvious in his tone as he jogged to catch up with Sam and fall in step with him.

“I thought you didn’t want to talk about this?”

Steve said, “I didn’t say that.”  Steve eyed him over and went on, “I get that you’re angry about what I did back there, but you usually don’t react like this.”

“Are you really that dense?  You don’t think my heart is stuck in my throat every time you make a stupid ass call like that?  That I don’t picture you slipping through my fingers a million times over?”

Steve stopped moving and grabbed ahold of Sam by his arm.  Sam normally took comfort in the small touches that he and Steve exchanged, but at the moment, it only made him feel worse.  He ran his hand over his face and said, “You were right and I was wrong.  This isn’t the time or the place for this talk.  And it’s not like you’d listen to me anyway.”

“I listen to you,” Steve argued.

“Uh-huh.  That’s why we go round-and-round with this conversation.”

“I do listen to you.  Your opinion matters more to me than anyone else’s,” Steve said.   He grabbed his shield off his back and sent it flying into the air at a few of the slimy creatures that were fast approaching them on hoverboards.  He shoved it back into its holder and without missing a beat added, “But I’ve gotta do my job, Sam.”

Sam pulled out his gun and fired off a few shots at the few remaining creatures as they turned the corner.  He said, “Whatever you say, Cap.”

They walked in an awkward silence the rest of the way.  Sam took in the wrecked neighborhood around them.   He knew the world needed the Avengers and that there was only so much they could do to protect people when crazy lunatics and aliens were gung-ho on their destruction…but he wondered if he could really walk away. 

And what did that say about him?  There was a time when he had embraced the quiet, after years of combat, and now it felt like this was all he knew.  He worried about leaving it behind.  He could admit that he loved the high of a good fight and saving people.  He wanted to be out there to protect the people he cared about, to keep Steve from plummeting to his death and reassuring Wanda when she worried about her continually growing powers. 

He knew that a lot of it was an ego thing – believing that the world needed _him_ to keep it safe – but somewhere along the line, this had become his home.  Steve Rogers had come running into his life and thrown everything he had thought he wanted into a tailspin.   He wasn't even sure what he would do with himself if he left. Even at its most draining, he liked what he was doing and the people he had chosen to fight side-by-side with.  

Sam realized that he didn’t actually want to take a break – he just wanted Steve to understand where he was coming from. 

And that was on him.  Sam should’ve talked to Steve about everything he was feeling a long time ago.  Steve would’ve been understanding about it all, probably would’ve gone out of his way to make Sam feel better about things, and eventually it really would’ve been fine.

Sam thought about his conversation with Natasha and how she had asked him how he could be so certain that Steve didn’t feel the same way and Sam felt his breath catch in his chest.   

Sam already knew he was in love with Steve; had known that long before the night of weird dreams.   He was well aware that there wasn’t much he wouldn’t do for the man walking next to him.

Except maybe trust Steve with his heart.

Steve was a good man, probably one of the best men that Sam had ever met, but he was reckless.  What if they took their relationship to another level and Steve’s rash decisions got him killed?  Sam had lost people before, he knew better than to expect guarantees, but that was a far cry from tying his heart and future to someone that impulsively ran into danger.  He pictured Steve falling through his fingers, Sam unable to catch him, and it scared the hell out of him.  Losing a friend was hard, but losing his partner?  Sam wasn’t sure he could do it.

Sam realized that all the denying and attempts at ignoring his feelings were because of that.  Sam wasn’t really worried that Steve wouldn’t return his feelings.  Sam was a grown man.  He had endured enough rejection and heartbreak over the years to know that he would bounce back eventually.  The worst outcome would be mortification and awkwardness where Sam shared his feelings only to get the “you’re a good friend” speech.  It would sting, but Sam didn’t doubt that he and Steve would get past it eventually. 

No.  Sam wasn’t worried about Steve not returning his feelings.   Sam was terrified that Steve felt the same way about him.   Sam wasn’t an idiot, contrary to what Natasha seemed to think.  He had caught Steve watching him at times and knew the little games they played together sometimes moved beyond normal friendship.  There were even a few moments where Sam was almost convinced that Steve was just waiting for Sam to make a move.

And just like in his dream, whenever Sam actually had that thought to just go for it, tiny voices would spring up in his head, providing excuses for why he shouldn’t take that next step.

Sam was in love with Steve Rogers – that wasn’t news.  But a part of him didn’t want to be because Steve was never going to change.

Sam stopped walking and said, “Shit.”

“What’s wrong?” Steve asked.

“I’m having an epiphany.”

“Now?”

Sam grabbed a hold of the straps on Steve’s uniform and pulled him in.  He said, “Sometimes I really wish I could hate you, Steve.  It would make things so much easier.”

Steve looked slightly startled and Sam let go of him.  Sam was about to apologize when Steve came into Sam’s personal space and his hand came up to rest at the nape of Sam’s neck.  Sam wondered if he was hallucinating – maybe he hit the water harder than he thought – but Steve’s hand was tangible and real, slightly warm and damp against Sam’s skin. 

Sam swallowed thickly and forced himself to meet Steve’s gaze.  He said, “Steve.”

Steve let go of him and said, “I don’t want you to hate me.”

“I don’t.”

“You’re important to me and…” Steve’s voice trailed off and he laughed mirthlessly as he motioned around them.  He said, “…I am sorry, Sam.  I get that you’re mad.  You’re wet and your wings are messed up and it’s my fault.”

“That’s not…” Sam pinched the bridge of his nose and took a few calming breaths.  “I know you’re not this oblivious.”

Steve sighed and said, “Maybe you should spell it out for me.”

When he looked at Steve again, he was torn between wanting to kiss and throttle the man.  Steve had that wounded look on his face that he usually tried to keep anyone from seeing and Sam hated that he was responsible for it, but he also could tell that Steve really didn’t get why Sam was upset and that was a problem.  They kept going round-and-round in circles. 

Sam was in love with a man who had a death wish and Sam didn’t know what to do with that.  He pictured this moment playing out again and again, with Steve falling from the sky and Sam unable to catch him.

“Sam,” Steve said, his voice soft and tender in a way that Sam couldn’t handle at the moment.

“Fuck.  I hate epiphanies.”

“You gonna share?”

Sam said, “I would love for you to stop doing stupid shit for no reason, Steve.  That would be great.”

“Sam…” Steve sighed, like he was the one being put out by the need to have this conversation again. 

“I’m serious.  You claim to care about me and what I need is for you to act like you care about yourself.”

Steve frowned and said, “I’m fine, Sam.”

“Are you?  Or are you telling me what I want to hear?”

“I’m okay,” Steve replied.

“Because I won’t judge you if you’re not.  Sometimes I’m the farthest thing from fine.  Sometimes it takes everything I’ve got to get out of bed in the morning.”

Steve’s eyes crinkled with worry and he started to reach out to touch Sam, but stopped himself.  Steve said, “I really don’t know what you want from me right now.”

“You terrify me sometimes, Steve.  I can’t stand watching you pull your stupid stunts and it always seems to fall on deaf ears.”

“That’s not it, Sam.  I’m not trying to upset you, but this is who I am.”

“No, this is what you do.  It’s not who you are,” Sam countered.

Steve’s expression was thoughtful, but he replied, “Okay, but this is a part of my job.  I take the risks because other people can’t.”

“No, that shit up there was not part of your job.”

“Sam, I had-“

“-that was you taking a stupid chance for nothing.  You were risking your life for no goddamn reason.  You wouldn’t have saved anyone. That kinda shit just gets you killed and your team needs you alive,” Sam replied.  He stepped into Steve’s personal space and pressed his hand into Steve’s chest.  He said, “ _I_ need you alive, man.”

Steve’s expression clouded over momentarily and then Sam was nearly blown away by the number of emotions that flitted across Steve’s face before it settled on remorse.   Steve’s hand was shaking as it came out to rest at the nape of Sam’s neck and he responded, “I’m sorry, Sam.  I didn’t think.”

Sam knew that Steve was sincere, but it only made it that much worse.  Because Sam still didn’t believe Steve really got it – didn’t understand exactly what it would do to Sam to be the one left behind.  Sam curled his hand in a small fist at his side and asked, “What if I couldn’t get to you, huh?”

“I’m sorry,” Steve repeated, wrapping his arms around Sam and pulling him into a hug.  Sam’s chest was tight as Steve rubbed his back and he whispered, “I’m right here.  Not going anywhere.”

“You can’t promise me that,” Sam replied, hearing the slight whine in his voice as he pressed his face into Steve’s neck and held on. 

“No more than you can make that promise to me,” Steve responded softly.  Steve pulled back slowly and laid his hand on the side of Sam’s neck.  He stared at Sam the way he sometimes did a painting he was trying to understand and said, “But I can promise to try not to make stupid calls out in the field.”

Sam snorted and said, “You and I have different definitions of stupid.”

“I’m not…I can’t let anything happen to you or anyone on our team, not if I can help it.  I’ve failed too many people.  I won’t do it again.”

“Steve…” Sam sighed.  His brain and heart were battling each other and Steve was looking at Sam like he hung the moon.  Sam knew Steve would follow his lead on things.  Steve was waiting for Sam.  Sam shut his eyes and tried to get his thoughts in order. 

Steve asked, “You with me?”

Sam opened his eyes and looked at Steve.  Steve’s hair was a mess and there were cuts and bruises on his head that would be worrisome if it weren’t for the serum and his eyes had the lost-but-hopeful glint that had sucked Sam in early on.  Sam felt his chest constrict slightly at the sight. 

This was something that Sam could lose and it scared Sam…but he had never been a coward. 

Sam reached out and pressed his lips gently against Steve’s.  It wasn’t much of a kiss, more an inhalation of breath, but Steve didn’t push him away.  Instead his fingers stroked along Sam’s jaw and pulled him in closer for a real kiss.

“About time.  Bucky and I were about to get involved,” Natasha called out, appearing out of nowhere.

Steve’s face flushed as they pulled back.  Sam pointed at Natasha and said, “Don’t you have aliens to fight?”

“Battle’s done, boys.  We won, but it looks like the two of you started the celebration already,” Nat commented with a smirk.

“Everyone okay?” Steve asked.

“Just peachy.  You two okay?” Natasha questioned.

Steve glanced at Sam expectantly and Sam said, “We’re getting there.”

**

Sam tapped his foot impatiently as the elevator continued its ascent.  It had been a long day – mentally and physically – and he was ready to crash.  The cleanup had taken longer than they had expected and the debriefing had involved way more information than Sam could process with Steve’s hand resting on his thigh. He glanced over at Steve, who had inched closer to him, and was watching Sam with a fond expression.  Sam said, "Steve."

" _Sam_ ," Steve replied, mimicking Sam's tone. 

"Stop it."

Steve crept a bit closer and asked, "Stop what?"

Sam shot him a look but there was no real heat behind it.  Truth was it had been awhile since Steve had looked so happy and the thought that Sam was the reason for it...it was flattering, humbling and a little overwhelming.  Sam reached out and placed his hand on Steve's arm, squeezing gently as he responded, "You keep looking at me."

"I always look at you,"Steve replied.

"You know what I mean and..." Sam's voice trailed off when Steve started to laugh.  Sam nudged him with his shoulder and muttered, "Asshole.  Don't know why I bother."

Steve turned to face him and the earnest expression was back.  He reached out tentatively and Sam leaned into the touch.  Steve said, "I've got no idea, but I'm glad you do."  Steve brushed his thumb along Sam’s jaw and added, “I know I’m not easy to put up with and my life tends to involve one crisis after another, but I love you, Sam.  And I’d really like us to give this a try if you feel the same way.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Do you not want-“

“-have I acted like I don’t want?” Sam replied.  He motioned between them and said, “If we did this, it would be all in, man.”

“That’s what I want,” Steve replied.

Sam tried to ignore the flutter in his chest at the certainty in Steve’s voice.  Sometimes Steve Rogers knew how to use his words and it left Sam wanting to do nothing more than kiss him.  But it wouldn’t fix things.  Sam shook his head and said, “You know I had a plan this morning and just like always, you come along and totally blast that to hell.”

Steve sucked in a breath and ducked his head.  Sam reached out and grabbed his chin, forcing Steve to look at him.  He said, “You gotta try to meet me halfway.  A little less suicidal fury out there would be a good start.”

“I can do that.”

“Don’t just tell me what I want to hear.  This is important.”

Steve grabbed Sam’s fingers and kissed them.  He said, “I’m not gonna lie to you, Sam.  It might still happen, but I promise to try to avoid it.”

Sam kissed him.  When they broke apart, he said, “I guess I’m all in then.”  Off the hopeful look on Steve’s face, Sam added, “I love you too, Steve.” 

Steve grinned at him, a brilliant smile that nearly knocked Sam off his feet, and his eyes practically sparkled as he reached out and yanked Sam against him.  He cupped the back of Sam’s hand, touching Sam like he was the most precious thing in the world, and rested his forehead against Sam’s.  Sam could feel Steve’s breath on his skin, could smell the mix of sweat and drugstore brand soap that was all Steve, and hear the slight catch in Steve’s breath as he said, “I hoped you did.  Bucky thought you might too…but I was pretty sure he was just sick of me talking about it all the time.”

“You talked to Bucky about me?”

Steve nodded and said, “A little bit.  He’s also known me since we were kids and reminded me he knows what I look like when I’m stuck on someone.”

Sam chuckled and asked, "What are we doing?"

"According to Clint, we've finally gotten our heads out of our asses," Steve replied.

The laugh died on Sam's lips as Steve’s arms wound around him and hauled him in for a kiss.  And this was the kiss that Sam had imagined for months, stealing the air out of Sam's lungs, leaving him breathless and slightly wobbly on his feet.  He grabbed Steve by the neck and deepened the kiss, wanting to hold onto this moment for as long as he could.

 


End file.
